Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"I jumped on a trampoline with him once"

So this is a story. A story of love and loss, action and adventure, head scratching and scoliosis. ANY and I mean ANY similarity in someones life is purely coincidental......

Once upon a time there was a girl named....ummm.....Betty. Yeah Betty. Betty was a nice girl. Some say even pretty and kind and talented and funny and humble and awesome at Rockband. But Betty was cursed. Cursed with the distaste for a few words in the English language. Betty stayed away from these words and when they crossed her path she would literally crawl into the fetal position and cry. Some of Betty's friends thought this was funny. They would use them over and over on sweet, naive Betty. Thankfully only a handful of her friends knew them.

One day her friends went to a land of magic (I mean not Disneyland or anything....come on...if this had happened in Disneyland...well someone would be cut if you know what I am sayin') . They went without Betty. They laughed and made merry and somewhere along the way....Betty's words became a topic of conversation. With this group was a boy....a boy we will call......Level 2. Betty's friends thought it would be awesome to tell Lv2 all of Betty's dreaded words. And so...they did...poor Betty.

The next day Betty attended church...like she does every week because she is made of light and goodness. Upon arriving in Sunday School Betty was accosted with these very evil words by Lv2. "Oh my, Lv2 how could you ever know my most horrible words" cried Betty "Why no one but my good friends and family knows those words and I know none of them would ever EVER betray me like that". Lv2 smiled and said "well two of them did". "What...no...never...I...I don't believe you, why do you say such lies?" Lv2 turned to walk away but before he did he whispered the names of the traitors. Jen...I mean Betty gasped...how could she have been such a fool. To trust them. To trust....ummm...well we will call the first one Mae and the second one Phil Rivers. How could they have broken her heart with their deceit?

Betty ran all the way home (and when I say ran I mean she rode home with Miss). Upon entering her apartment she knew what had to be done. She knew she must have her revenge. But not on Mae. She was sure Mae had gotten caught up in the sinister plans of Phil Rivers. Such a sweet Canadian surely would not hurt her friend or keep things from her. No, It was Phil Rivers who needed to be punished but how? Betty was such a kind girl that her brain never thought of anything but kindness, rainbows, and Buffy (what....that's right Buffy). And then like a bolt of genius she had it. But she needed help.

The next day Betty contacted her friend Miss A. "Miss A my heart is broken" she said. "Please help me avenge my honor (whatever I know that does not fit but it sounded good). Miss A, who was also a very kind soul, could not resist. She could not stand seeing Betty so broken and hurt and cold. And so the two of them prepared the master plan.

That night....the plan was finished. They rolled this plan up in a cylinder poster holder and went on there way to a magical park full of water, slides, mini golf, and campers? I mean who camps here. Who plans a family vacation to Cherry Hill. Honestly. Who packs up the kids and says "come on fam...we are going down the street for a week". Anyway I digress. Betty and Miss A arrived and looked for the sporty little chariot Phil Rivers drove. Alas.....it was not there. They searched high and low. Betty and Miss A decided to go to Phil Rivers abode to deliver "the plan". But WAIT......isn't that Matty? Crap Betty get down. Uhhh OK there is Matt, Mae, Phil...crap Phil is looking over here.....umm OK I am going to comb my hair in front of my face....oh oh...there is....umm Betty you need to see this.........

So...Miss A and Betty headed back to the land of North Salt Lake. Betty decided she would just leave "the plan" on Phil River's porch and then text him something original like...."I left something on your porch". But upon arrival to Phil Rivers cottage Betty saw a cute little puppy outside....oh no.... and.....OH Phil Rivers mom outside. Betty sucked it up. She did not come this far for nothing. Betty coyly approached Phil Rivers nice mom with "the plan" in hand. "Ummm hi, could you do me a favor?" PR's mom looked at Betty....then looked at "the plan" then back to Betty "Yes" she said. "Ummm could you give this to your son" PR's cute mom smiles "Would you just like to put it in his room?".......Betty smiled......"No...that is fine"........the conversation went on for another while...but some things are better left to the imagination.

As Betty left a certain sense of triumph overcame her. Never before had Betty felt so alive. "I could get used to this Miss A.......winning I mean".

2 comments:

aubry bennion. said...

i have a lot of favorites in this story... but i think "sweet niave betty" is my favorite...

sweet, most def. niave, hmmm.

Matthew said...

So...why didn't I get immunity in this story? I did nothing wrong yet I was the only name named! You name dropper!