Friday, May 11, 2012

Things i'm afraid to tell you...


So I have thought about this post a lot....but today miss gave me the courage.

This has been floating around thanks to Creature Comforts. The minute I saw it I wanted to do it, but I was scared. To make myself so very vunerable is frightining. But I am going to do it. To show we who blog have a heart and soul. We have fears. 

1. I still crave my drug of choice. Addiction is hard. My addiction was hard. I go about  my life most  of the time doing what I need to do to stay sober. Sometimes, I have to sit still and not leave my house. If any addict tells you they are over it, they are on their way back. There are days when my life gets to be too much and I crave. And that is when I pray, read my scriptures, text, heytell, gchat. That is when I write in my journal over and over again...."my life is good". Sometimes I get so angry inside that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. And then I remember others deal with a lot more. And it calms me down. 

2. I am obsessed with my weight to the point of an eating disorder. I survive on about 700 calories a day. I laugh and joke about it...but it is real. And I won't stop. My weight carries every inch of my self -confidence and it makes me sick. I tell my Young Women every Sunday to love themselves no matter what, and I cannot do the same. I have a goal weight I am trying to achieve and I am afraid I will not stop when I get there. 

3. On most days I feel like I don't belong. I am an only child. My parents are divorced. My father is re-married and his beautiful wife has five fabulous children. They all include me and are so kind to me. I sometimes get all wrapped up in thinking I belong with them. And then, there are glimpses, times, and realizations, that I do not. I am not their sibling. I am not their blood. And it's really hard. Because I love them and to be honest I want to belong. I have family all around me that love me...but they have their own families and siblings. I am usually odd man out. Because I am the only one in my family. I have in-laws who love me, but again, I do not really belong. 

4. I constantly worry that people do not like me and because of that I act tougher than I am in order to protect myself. If you asked me "who likes you" I would probably answer "my husband and my bestie....others tolerate me". I tried for so long to make my parents like me when I was growing up and never really felt that they did. And so that has carried over. I also has an experience in High School that has SERIOUSLY stayed with me all these years and I worry at any moment all of my friends will throw up their hands and say "I'm out". I have a pretty soft heart and a desire to do good. But I am afraid if I show that, I will get hurt.

5. I do not want to ever vacation anywhere but Disneyland. Even when presented with other choices. It drives bestie mad, it puzzles my husband, it makes others laugh, but it is the truth.

6. I cry when I go to concerts and watch singing competitions because that is what I want to do. It's hard knowing your dream is gone. It's hard choosing other dreams. It's hard telling people I sing and watch their eyes roll...I want to scream at them "fool I am good". Because I am good. That is the one thing I know for sure.

7. I am worried I am a bad friend. My friends mean a lot to me. And over the years I have had a lot. But I have had two that I regret losing touch with. Just barely have I started re-connecting with them, but I feel awkward. I know the reason we are not friends is because of the self-destructive behavior I displayed years back. I don't know how to tell them that I want a relationship with them again, because I feel too much time has passed and perhaps I am not the girl they liked before. Both girls were in my first wedding party and I wonder if watching what went down with me over the years since then has made them leery of me. I worry about losing my best friend. I have a hard time juggling time and I worry that one day I will wake up and she will be over it. I worry other friends will see through me to the insecure, crier that I am and move on. 

8. I blasted Coldplays "Paradise" last night in my car. 

This has made me seem very weak. And maybe that is the point.

Anyways...I took the challenge to heart. 

It this is what you got. 

9. I just texted my bestie and told her I was afraid to post this.

20 comments:

Ruthie said...

I love you, Jen! We should hang out sometime.

heidi and tom said...

I think it's brave of you to reveal your fears on such a public forum. I just may do the same on my blog. Except its private so not nearly as brave as you. For what it's worth I think you are great. Really and truly.

Jani said...

Love this post. I love that you are so real. I still dont know you very well but I like being around you because you are real.

Tiffany said...

Since we're being honest around here, and I know you didn't ask this...you are seriously one of the coolest girls I know! I have loved getting to know you bit by bit and love our little book club. It's hard to make girlfriends, so I hope you're one I get to keep!

aubry. said...

coldplay.... fun!... you're softening.

and sometimes i see through the normalness and routine of our friendship and remember that you're an addict and i'm amazed and humbled by your strength.

so there.

believinginsomething.com said...

Thanks for posting this. This was a very amazing read. I think you are just incredible. I always have since I started reading your blog. It's nice to see that I share some of your same worries. Although I don't live on 700 calories a day, I have an abnormal obsession with my weight as well. It's nice to have someone come out in the open and admit it just like that. I have been reading a lot of blogs that discuss self worth (mynameisjacy.com and ablogaboutlove.com to name a few) and it has helped me to focus on certain things when I'm feeling down on myself. I turn to gratitude that my body is capable of so much instead of grumbling about it, but it's a battle every.single.day. And I also am terrified of people disliking me. Even when I comment on their blogs...honestly (like I am right now).

Kim Millard said...

1. Seriously? I had no idea. I'm so sorry you will have to deal with this your whole life. Please heytell, text, call anytime! I love it!
2. You look fab! Your baby weight is already gone. You should be so proud of yourself!
3. You belong to the Condo Crew. ha!
4. I like you! And I hope you never question that!
5. Come on! I want to go to NYC with you.
6. Fool...you are good. No you are amazing!
7. You have been nothing but a great friend to me.
8. What? This is hard for me to believe!
9. I'm sure Aubrey was the best bestie when that text came in.

Jillian said...

I think you are amazing!!!

Mike said...

I'll be sort of cryptic, but I think you'll understand.

Belonging: I was adopted.

We shall not ever forget that God loves us, even when we don't think we are lovable.

robin said...

weight. i have a feeling we could talk about that together for days and days. obsessed. and i can't imagine ever not being.

disneyland!!!!!!!! i always have the hardest time when people talk about their love for disneyland (except for you) because i know their love is not real. my love for disneyland is REAL. growing up, we would always talk big about where our next family vacation would be... but yeah right. we ALWAYS end up at disneyland. it is simply THE BEST. and now that we live in florida we are planning on going to disney world, but i know it will not be the same. sure i will LOVE it, but disneyland will always have my heart and soul.

and i want to hear you sing.

robin said...

i knew i forgot something...

COLDPLAY!!!!! a ha ha ha ha!!! i love this so much... i can go to bed happy and with a smile on my face...

Nikki Nielson said...

You DO belong with us, blood or not! Don't over think it, just be you! We really do love you :)

hailey said...

i love this so much! being vulnerable is so intense, and i hope you found it rewarding. because, well, for what it's worth, i think you're great. so there's that :)

Camille said...

You have a lot of comments on this post. But Jen, I think you're wonderful. That's all.

Donna said...

I love this! I'm obsessed with my weight too. You and Aubry, have given be courgage to think about posting my own....maybe. Next time Aubry comes to NYC come too! I want to meet you, and that sweet baby girl too.

Charity said...

I don't know you, but I wanted to say thanks for posting this. Maybe someday I will be as courageous as you and post one of my own.

Keia said...

New to your space and I loved this post. Thank you for being so brave and sharing. See you around.

p.s. Have a great weekend.

Julie Rodgers said...

Keep her, she is worth it!

slayer said...

Hey its me, snooki. I like...Loved this post. I have a lot of respect for you for doing it. Pretty darn cool, I too have similar insecurities and I am positive that most people do. You just have the balls to display them!

Kacy Faulconer said...

You don't seem weak to me.