Miss Aubsy, Alice and Red do Wyoming. Really? Yep Wyoming.

Act One

Scene One

(fade in on miss aubsy, red, and alice in sunday school. alice is sitting next to ben. miss aubsy has just been told and alice is still bleeding from being accosted in sacrament meeting. all three you know are thinking about obama love him or hate him.)

Miss Aubsy - So game night tonight?

Alice - Hmmm yes yes.....I need to work it with you know who......

Miss Aubsy - Yes, Yes

Red - Alice pull your skirt down

(Alice retrieves the "Floozy Coozy" from Red to cover up)

Alice - OK so game night...I will call you

Miss Aubsy - OK...oh and I am sorry for racism in all the world

(fade out)

Scene Two

(fade in red and alice are driving home from church)

Alice - BUH I need a Diet Coke

Red - Be patient little girl

Alice - Hey umm you know what if we went to Wyoming?

Red- When?

Alice - Like right now

Red - Ummm...ok....yeah...ok.....we should also call Miss Aubsy

Alice - Word

(red and alice arrive home and alice calls aubsy)

(ring, ring, ring, ring)

Aubsy - Hello?

Alice - We are going to Wyoming

Aubsy - When

Alice - Now

Aubsy - On it.

(miss aubsy arrives at casa awesome....what we can call our apartment that)

Alice - WYOMING!!!!!

Miss Aubsy - WYOMING!!!!!

Red- CHEESE CURDS!!!!!

(miss aubsy, alice, and red are on the road. talks of boys, families, and how wyoming is so much better than canada ensue)

(fade out)

Act Two

Scene One

(fade in at the wyoming border)

Alice - We should take a picture outside this fireworks store

Miss Aubsy - We should jump

Red - I should set the timer so it looks totally awesome

(authors note: it never really did)

Alice - We should take a picture in front of this sign

Miss Aubsy - We should all get close so we can all be in it

Red - I should hold the camera so that it will look totally awesome

(authors note: It never really did)

Alice - I am sad...I am feeling lost and alone

Miss Aubsy - Yes...I am as well. Even my homosexual friend who is nice to everyone can not cheer me up

Red - I am sad too....all my cheese is melted

Alice - I wish someone would give me a sign.....a small glimmer of hope.........

(authors note: Thank you creepy trucker man)

Alice - Hey....where is my Diet Coke?

Red - Umm I think we threw it away at the last stop

Alice - Stop the car

Alice - Ok so this is Ft. Bridger. It is a pretty small town not many people and what in the hell are all the tee-pee's about.

Miss Aubsy - Ummm that girl is wearing nothing but a buck-skin mini dress.

Red - So are you allowed to just carry around a bow and arrow?

Alice - Wait here is a sign....."Rendezvous every Labor Day Weekend"......oh we are so coming to this next year

Miss Aubsy - Already in the calender

(fade out)

Scene Two

(fade in miss aubsy, red, and alice all arrive safe at granny and gramps house. granny has pulled out EVERY ugly picture she has of alice INCLUDING ones with bangs AND short hair)

Red - You really have gotten prettier as you have gotten older

Alice - Thanks?

Miss Aubsy - I am just going to hold onto this one...it makes me feel safe.

(fade out)

(fade in on miss aubsy, alice, and red meeting jens family, miss aubsy getting her neck pulled on and everybody impressed with how cute and creative my cousins are....we will definitely be back)

The End

Oh and Miss Aubsy drove home in a storm...she was brave....good job miss.

Wyoming....soup to nuts.

Spider

I will readily admit that I am a girl when it comes to certain things. Like clothes, crushes, shoes, and spiders. I HATE spiders. BUH, BUH, BUH, BUH. Perhaps that is another reason Red and I get along so very well. We both hate spiders...actually, come to think of it, it makes life a bit difficult.

So a couple of nights ago Red and I were talking. You know basic girl talk. We were winding down for the evening and I decided to go to bed (or go into my bedroom and try my hardest to finish Season Two of Dawson's Creek so I could get Season Three from Canada). I said goodnight and retired to my bedroom when all of a sudden I heard the patented "BFF scream" (if you have ever watched Buffy or Gremlins with her you know what I am talking about). I ran out of my room to see like the biggest spider ever crawling on Red's wall. BUH.

So we did what any normal person would do.....Red sprayed it with Windex while I kicked a shoe against it. We recommend this tactic to anyone. It kills the spider and leaves your house smelling "clean".

Everything I ever needed to know in life I learned from "Saved by the Bell"

HA you laugh. But seriously. Is there a lesson that has NOT been learned or dealt with on "Saved by the Bell"? Honestly if I just would have learned from Jessie's battle with caffeine pills, well my life might be a whole heck of alot different. So I have put together a list of things we could all learn from SBTB. I think I just might have revolutionized life as anyone knows it.

Don’t do drugs – This of course comes from the infamous caffeine pill episode. Poor Jessie. You can really learn so many lessons from this episode. Like: All it takes to get over an addiction is a night in bed and good therapy, believe your friend when he say’s “I think Jessie is on drugs”, and when you are using drugs do not EVER let anyone get into your backpack…..stupid Jessie.

Don’t fight over the same girl – This is a common theme. Kelly of course is the focus of most of the competing. But there was also the new girl at the beginning of season five (who was so turned off by Zack and Slater that she never returned in a single episode), Jennifer, Slaters old girlfriend, and the school nurse. But my favorite was when Zack kissed Lisa and Screech saw. Screech wanted to fight but Zack wouldn’t so Screech ripped open Zack’s shirt. Moral of the story…no shirt is ever worth a friendship. Wait no…..no girl is ever worth a friendship.

Dating every girl in your group eventually leads to the right one – Zack Morris. Stud extraordinaire. Dated OR made-out with EVERY GIRL IN HIS GROUP. Kelly (check) Jessie (check) Lisa (check) Tori (check). But he ended up with the first girl. The one he was meant for. Kelly Kapowski. But seriously EVERY GIRL. Yeah….up top.


Stereotypes are totally OK – With last names like Nerdstrom and Geekman…..well….SBTB showed us that it is totally OK to stereotype people. The Geeks, the dumb jocks, and the ditzy blonde. Classic. Plus remember when Violet would not sing in the glee club competition and Zack said to Screech "hey, she's your woman take her out in the hall and convince her". That is how you treat a woman.


Sometimes you need 45 best friends – Zack Morris names Screech, Slater, Jessie and Kelly as his best friends in separate episodes. Sometimes you just need a lot of support….from 45 best friends


Everyone deserves a one and done – This theory is all over SBTB. Like when Zack dates the girl in the wheelchair, when Zack dates Rhonda, When Jessie dates the short guy, but the main one is Senior Prom. Out of the kindness of her heart Lisa asks Screech to Prom. I mean that is just precious.


Tori Spelling can act – Violet Bickerstaff. Done and Done


Talents can magically appear – So remember Glee club? Kelly can not sing AT ALL. But you throw a record contract at her and all of a sudden she is Jessica Simpson (wait she can’t sing either) all of a sudden she is Duffy. And what about Zack attack? I mean she really picks and chooses.


If you are popular you can do anything – Skip class, hang out in the principals office, play in a band, be in a doo wop group, pick on nerds, talk at every school assembly,……..I mean the list goes on and on. What it comes down to is if you are popular you really are better than other people.


Being popular is hard – Huh, well you know when every girl wants you and you are wanted at every social function…..well that can be pretty hard….poor Zack Morris. Apparently this keeps people up at night.


Mullets can be cool if you are captain of the football team – Seriously AC Slater sported a mullet and terrible fashion for 5 seasons….still got the chicks.


You strum a bass – Just ask Lisa Turtle


All it takes to get a record deal is a work-out video – Hot Fudge Sundae anyone?


It’s OK to date a 16 year old when you are like 22 – Jeff did it, Zack did it, which makes it OK. As long as you don’t cheat on the 16 year old.




So there you have it. I know there are a ton more, another blog full. But for now, learn these. They can only make your life easier

The day the earth stood still.....oh and Red fixes my toilet

Most of you know I am a pretty easy going girl. Laid back, chillaxed, mellow (stop laughing ,I said stop laughing seriously please stop because I really am generally happy go lucky...yeah I remember when the sheep got out and I said it was not like this in AZ, Yeah I remember when you ripped a button off my expensive hoodie, but give me a break...you make it sound like I am an over sensitive crazy person. So am I to assume the laughing is not going to stop? Fine whatever.). But there are some things that send me right over the edge. Things like same side sitters, when people record the M word on my phone in low pornographic tones, and when those deemed unworthy touch, think or breath around my Chargers blanket. This blanket is sacred. It and it alone holds the power needed to send my beloved Chargers to the Super Bowl. It is also highly sensitive to evil and has been known to lose some of it's amazing power when unbelievers feel the need to touch it. This is where my story begins............

The Day The Earth Stood Still

It was a sultry Saturday morning. Betty slept peacefully. Thankful for the small reprive she received in the way of sleeping in before a few hours of work. But Betty was pulled from her slumber by the sound of her front door closing. Now Betty, well she was alone in her apartment seeing how BFF was rafting. Betty was up like a shot. Someone was going to get a knuckle sandwich and or a hair pulling and screaming at. But when Betty ran to her front room the most peculiar thing. The deadbolt was locked and she was all alone. Betty KNEW someone had been in her house.....her slayer sense was tingling. But who? Someone who had a key. But who? Who would sneak in and scare poor Betty to death? The only person she could think of was Phil Rivers...considering he felt he needed to avenge himself. But she knew that Phil Rivers would not creep into a single girls apartment early in the morning......well she knew he would not creep into HER apartment early in the morning.....now Hannah Montana.........that was a different story. Then she had a thought. Who would join Team Phil? I mean MATT was there. It was clear BFF had already defected...but would Mae? Had she betrayed me? As the truth sunk in, Betty felt her heart break. The only solace she received was that she and Mae were going to lunch that day and Mae would not have the chance to fulfill her evil charge. Phil had been thwarted thanks to a 9:00 work day.

So off to lunch, and movies, and shopping, and misunderstandings. When Betty arrived home she walked into her room. Something was not right. No not right at all. It felt cold...hollow....sad. She looked down. What.....WHOA......WHOA.....what is that....is that...is that....a Cowboys blanket....but where is.....wait where is......no NO NO NO where is my Chargers blanket? Phil Rivers HAD STOLEN BETTY'S CHARGERS BLANKET. Betty fell to her knees.....she felt the blood leave her head. She felt faint. "How could he have taken what was most precious?" "What did I, a sweet gentle girl, do to deserve this?" All she ever wanted was to be Phil Rivers friend. And because of that her world was shattered. Betty called Mae and got the confirmation she needed. Mae had turned to Team Phil. Phil had her blanket and was on his way to Mordor with it or something. Betty stood silent in her hall......the earth stood still.

Now the end of the story is happy. Betty received her blanket back (on the ground outside her house thanks to Phil's botched attempt to wound Betty even more). The Cowboys blanket was returned to it's rightful owner. But for one night.....one miserable night.....Betty knew what it must feel like to be completely alone. The night Betty slept without her Chargers blanket. That night will forever be etched in Betty's broken heart. So if giving Betty one night of complete misery in a black hole of pain was what you were going for well.......go Team Phil.

(Honestly...probably the best prank ever.....I laughed for hours. Good job Team Phil)

So today I was at Family Dollar. I was in line behind a striking young man. He had blond hair...all shaved except for a rats tail down the back. He was wearing a lime green shirt that simply said "I love Burritos". He was also wearing Scooby-Doo pajama pants. But the best thing about it was that he was buying a toilet seat. At Family Dollar. Yeah that is what I said....."that reminds me my toilet seat is broken". So...well the picture says it all. I mean what are BFF's for if not for fixing toilet seats? Oh and bringing you home prizes from rafting trips...things like 3 foot long gummy snakes.......

"I jumped on a trampoline with him once"

So this is a story. A story of love and loss, action and adventure, head scratching and scoliosis. ANY and I mean ANY similarity in someones life is purely coincidental......

Once upon a time there was a girl named....ummm.....Betty. Yeah Betty. Betty was a nice girl. Some say even pretty and kind and talented and funny and humble and awesome at Rockband. But Betty was cursed. Cursed with the distaste for a few words in the English language. Betty stayed away from these words and when they crossed her path she would literally crawl into the fetal position and cry. Some of Betty's friends thought this was funny. They would use them over and over on sweet, naive Betty. Thankfully only a handful of her friends knew them.

One day her friends went to a land of magic (I mean not Disneyland or anything....come on...if this had happened in Disneyland...well someone would be cut if you know what I am sayin') . They went without Betty. They laughed and made merry and somewhere along the way....Betty's words became a topic of conversation. With this group was a boy....a boy we will call......Level 2. Betty's friends thought it would be awesome to tell Lv2 all of Betty's dreaded words. And so...they did...poor Betty.

The next day Betty attended church...like she does every week because she is made of light and goodness. Upon arriving in Sunday School Betty was accosted with these very evil words by Lv2. "Oh my, Lv2 how could you ever know my most horrible words" cried Betty "Why no one but my good friends and family knows those words and I know none of them would ever EVER betray me like that". Lv2 smiled and said "well two of them did". "What...no...never...I...I don't believe you, why do you say such lies?" Lv2 turned to walk away but before he did he whispered the names of the traitors. Jen...I mean Betty gasped...how could she have been such a fool. To trust them. To trust....ummm...well we will call the first one Mae and the second one Phil Rivers. How could they have broken her heart with their deceit?

Betty ran all the way home (and when I say ran I mean she rode home with Miss). Upon entering her apartment she knew what had to be done. She knew she must have her revenge. But not on Mae. She was sure Mae had gotten caught up in the sinister plans of Phil Rivers. Such a sweet Canadian surely would not hurt her friend or keep things from her. No, It was Phil Rivers who needed to be punished but how? Betty was such a kind girl that her brain never thought of anything but kindness, rainbows, and Buffy (what....that's right Buffy). And then like a bolt of genius she had it. But she needed help.

The next day Betty contacted her friend Miss A. "Miss A my heart is broken" she said. "Please help me avenge my honor (whatever I know that does not fit but it sounded good). Miss A, who was also a very kind soul, could not resist. She could not stand seeing Betty so broken and hurt and cold. And so the two of them prepared the master plan.

That night....the plan was finished. They rolled this plan up in a cylinder poster holder and went on there way to a magical park full of water, slides, mini golf, and campers? I mean who camps here. Who plans a family vacation to Cherry Hill. Honestly. Who packs up the kids and says "come on fam...we are going down the street for a week". Anyway I digress. Betty and Miss A arrived and looked for the sporty little chariot Phil Rivers drove. Alas.....it was not there. They searched high and low. Betty and Miss A decided to go to Phil Rivers abode to deliver "the plan". But WAIT......isn't that Matty? Crap Betty get down. Uhhh OK there is Matt, Mae, Phil...crap Phil is looking over here.....umm OK I am going to comb my hair in front of my face....oh oh...there is....umm Betty you need to see this.........

So...Miss A and Betty headed back to the land of North Salt Lake. Betty decided she would just leave "the plan" on Phil River's porch and then text him something original like...."I left something on your porch". But upon arrival to Phil Rivers cottage Betty saw a cute little puppy outside....oh no.... and.....OH Phil Rivers mom outside. Betty sucked it up. She did not come this far for nothing. Betty coyly approached Phil Rivers nice mom with "the plan" in hand. "Ummm hi, could you do me a favor?" PR's mom looked at Betty....then looked at "the plan" then back to Betty "Yes" she said. "Ummm could you give this to your son" PR's cute mom smiles "Would you just like to put it in his room?".......Betty smiled......"No...that is fine"........the conversation went on for another while...but some things are better left to the imagination.

As Betty left a certain sense of triumph overcame her. Never before had Betty felt so alive. "I could get used to this Miss A.......winning I mean".

Drunk Men with Small Children

So Miss Aubry and I went and did a little Karaoke. It was pretty much like totally super fun to the max. Sang a little "Lady Marmalade", got hit on by drunk men, gave out my digits (to a girl), and got a buzz off Red Bull. So you know a usual Friday night.......

Yep it is Alice and Miss Aubry. I think we have a picture like this at every social function. I do not think we have ever matched as perfectly as we did that night. Where is Arnold?

The Key to any good time doing Karaoke is getting in good with the hosts. Lights, Camera, Charm......done and done. I am amazed I am single...well actually it seems I can only charm Karaoke hosts, drunk men and gay men.

Ha Ha guess again....we are not drunk.....just crazy!

Another tip to great Karaoke....know the bouncer so that when crazy drunk men tell you to quit hiding from them they can like you know "bounce" them.

Also be able to strike the perfect pageant pose...what the sweet hot mess am I doing?

As I said before...I can charm gay men..................We do not know where Captain Jack Winehouse came from...but he sure knew how to move.

Umm I guess Jennifer does the 24th?

Sooooo the 24th. Woo it has been a busy month. I really usually stay home and play video games. Perhaps I should blog about that one day. But for now it shall be about the 24th of July.


It started at the Megaplex. A spectacular showing of Mamma Mia and an even more spectacular trailer of High School Musical 3. Then fireworks at the park. The perfect day!







Of course the regulars. Miss Aubry, Alice and Arnold

So EP craved glow sticks like a candy kid. So he reached inside his fanny pack retrieved some money and he was on his way.

Matty made the perfect pillow

Finally Canada attends an American event

Miss Aubry, Matty and Me

What would a holiday be without a spoon train and boys that are totally bored with taking pictures.

Again memories of another life......

So there you have it. The next fireworks I will see will be at Disneyland or a tent!