So I have thought about this post a lot....but today
miss gave me the courage.
This has been floating around thanks to
Creature Comforts. The minute I saw it I wanted to do it, but I was scared. To make myself so very vunerable is frightining. But I am going to do it. To show we who blog have a heart and soul. We have fears.
1.
I still crave my drug of choice. Addiction is hard. My
addiction was hard. I go about my life most of the time doing what I need to do to stay sober. Sometimes, I have to sit still and not leave my house. If any addict tells you they are over it, they are on their way back. There are days when my life gets to be too much and I crave. And that is when I pray, read my scriptures, text, heytell, gchat. That is when I write in my journal over and over again...."my life is good". Sometimes I get so angry inside that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. And then I remember others deal with a lot more. And it calms me down.
2. I am obsessed with my weight to the point of an eating disorder. I survive on about 700 calories a day. I laugh and joke about it...but it is real. And I won't stop. My weight carries every inch of my self -confidence and it makes me sick. I tell my Young Women every Sunday to love themselves no matter what, and I cannot do the same. I have a goal weight I am trying to achieve and I am afraid I will not stop when I get there.
3. On most days I feel like I don't belong. I am an only child. My parents are divorced. My father is re-married and his beautiful wife has five fabulous children. They all include me and are so kind to me. I sometimes get all wrapped up in thinking I belong with them. And then, there are glimpses, times, and realizations, that I do not. I am not their sibling. I am not their blood. And it's really hard. Because I love them and to be honest I want to belong. I have family all around me that love me...but they have their own families and siblings. I am usually odd man out. Because I am the only one in my family. I have in-laws who love me, but again, I do not really belong.
4. I constantly worry that people do not like me and because of that I act tougher than I am in order to protect myself. If you asked me "who likes you" I would probably answer "my husband and my bestie....others tolerate me". I tried for so long to make my parents like me when I was growing up and never really felt that they did. And so that has carried over. I also has an experience in High School that has SERIOUSLY stayed with me all these years and I worry at any moment all of my friends will throw up their hands and say "I'm out". I have a pretty soft heart and a desire to do good. But I am afraid if I show that, I will get hurt.
5. I do not want to ever vacation anywhere but Disneyland. Even when presented with other choices. It drives bestie mad, it puzzles my husband, it makes others laugh, but it is the truth.
6. I cry when I go to concerts and watch singing competitions because that is what I want to do. It's hard knowing your dream is gone. It's hard choosing other dreams. It's hard telling people I sing and watch their eyes roll...I want to scream at them "fool I am good". Because I am good. That is the one thing I know for sure.
7. I am worried I am a bad friend. My friends mean a lot to me. And over the years I have had a lot. But I have had two that I regret losing touch with. Just barely have I started re-connecting with them, but I feel awkward. I know the reason we are not friends is because of the self-destructive behavior I displayed years back. I don't know how to tell them that I want a relationship with them again, because I feel too much time has passed and perhaps I am not the girl they liked before. Both girls were in my first wedding party and I wonder if watching what went down with me over the years since then has made them leery of me. I worry about losing my best friend. I have a hard time juggling time and I worry that one day I will wake up and she will be over it. I worry other friends will see through me to the insecure, crier that I am and move on.
8. I blasted Coldplays "Paradise" last night in my car.
This has made me seem very weak. And maybe that is the point.
Anyways...I took the challenge to heart.
It this is what you got.
9. I just texted my bestie and told her I was afraid to post this.
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